Klingon Poetry

A group of enthusiasts got together to write a compendium of Klingon Poetry. The thing is, I actually think it's pretty good. Sure, it is cheesy, but it's not a winking cheese. It's a good cheese, and earnest cheese, the kind of cheese only a loving fan can make. This also has the advantage of being readable.

Here's an except. This poem is called My Beloved and is written by K'Chara (whoever that is).

My blood runs cold
As I look upon the face
Of my beloved
His eyes are empty
Dead
I hold his eyes open
And scream
My rage
My anger
My fear
My heart breaks
I howl
I warn the others
A mighty warrior is coming
I look at the battle with new eyes
My blood boils
And now
The battle truly begins.

Visions of Victory (PDF)

Do I think this stands on its own? Actually, I do. If nothing else, it is entertaining and keeps my eyes on the page. That is all I ask, really.

SheWee -- An Invention that Allows Women to Pee Standing Up

The device you see above allows women an option that men take for granted: the ability to urinate without sitting down. Samantha Fountain, the inventor of SheWee has great hopes. She hopes that not only will her invention offer greater freedom to the average woman, but that it will improve the quality of life for the wheelchair-bound and the elderly. In fact, she hopes it will revolutionize the way women go to the bathroom.

Designed with women of all ages and occupations in mind, the compact Shewee will soon be as much of a handbag essential as your lipstick!

Whether you choose to use Shewee to avoid sitting on less than desirable public toilet seats, or if your job or favourite hobby makes going to the toilet in the usual squatting stance difficult, Shewee is a brilliant solution.

It will be interesting to see if this device takes off. I will say one thing, though. I will welcome the day when women can join me in snow-writing contests. Women, in general, are better spellers anyway.

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How Many Atoms of Jesus Do You Eat Everyday?

Because I know you're curious, somebody has written a carefully reasoned report on how many atoms the Catholic communion adds to the universe. In case you are curious, the Catholic doctrine of transubstantiation states that when a Catholic takes communion, the bread and wine become — physically speaking — the body and blood of Christ. So while you may be continuing to see bread and wine, rest assured, there's more.

Lets assume 2 grams of wafer and 10 grams of wine per communion, a light wafer and a small sip. We'll also assume that upon transubstantiation the wafer and wine don't turn into any specific body part or muscle group, but instead into sort of a uniform Jesus slurry. That is, we're going to assume that the liquid to solid ratio of the human body is the same as the wine to wafer ratio found in communion.

To count the number of atoms in each serving, all we need is some high-school level chemistry. We're first going to find how many grams of each element appear when the serving is transubstantiated, using percentages from delld's writeup under Human Body Composition. For simplicity's sake, the 1% of the human body made up of trace elements will be ignored. Using those figures along with the Periodic Table of the Elements, we'll convert from grams to moles. Since moles count the number of atoms in a given mass, we'll have the total atomic count of each communion after all of this calculation.

How many atoms of Jesus you eat every day@Everything2.com

Now before you jump up and say "Ah ha! This means transubstantiation is physically impossible!" keep in mind the Catholic perspective. Namely, that it is all a miracle, don't attempt to understand it, it's simply the grace of God. So in the end, this report doesn't add anything new to religious debate except as an interesting thought experiment.

What more, I doubt the average Catholic cares about the ins and out of how it all works. It will never make sense, don't try to understand it. Hey, I'm not saying I agree with them. That's just how they view it.

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Philosophical Graffiti

I picture the vandal to be in a hazed stupor, and with his last dying embers of energy, he scrawls across the wall this message. He doesn't entirely know what he's writing — so removed from reality he is — but he writes it. And through the fog, what he writes just happens to be true.

Opium is for the masses, so it does not make sense to say something else is opium when opium does a pretty damn job being opium. I think the majority of us have been touched in someway by what exactly drugs can do to a person. We've all been touched by the tribulations of addiction even if (like myself) some of us have not been addicts ourselves. Religion is, for the most part, an idea. Opium, however, is a material commodity.

As for religion, it can be dangerous — but so can any idea. If we are going to condemn religion as a "drug", we might as well condemn any idea someone believes in. The more militant among you will decry religion as a fairy tale, and you may be right. But shall we then condemn fairy tales as being "opiates"?

One may say that fairy tales have not imposed as much damage on the world as religion. I am sure if one believed in fairy tales with as much conviction as religion, there would be mayhem. This is true of any idea that is believed passionately.

So the vandal is right. Religion isn't an opiate. Opium sure is, though.

Via Pictures of Walls

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Custom Made Wigs for Dogs

If I didn't know better, I would consider this "art". I'm not saying this isn't art, but what I am saying is that these custom wigs for dogs are clearly made without any irony in mind, nor is there any social commentary going on, and its chief purpose is not simply as a novelty.

Dog wigs are a serious business. The proprietor of these particular wigs is none other than Ruth Regina, an eighth generation wig maker whose credentials include "the Miss Universe Pageants (14 years), National Presidential Conventions (both Democratic and Republican) to Al Pacino and Demi Moore films, and seven Presidents of the United States". This woman has been actively involved as a Hollywood make-up artist, so she would not get into the dog wig business just for kicks.

In other words, the demand is clearly there. There are folks — presumably rich folks — who would pay good money for a custom wig for their dog from this master craftswoman. This would not just be a simple wigging template, but a highly stylized, tailor-made, well-groomed wig fitted for that particular dog.

And that's where I feel justified in saying that pets are not necessarily the big business: anthropomorphism is. Dogs are just happy if you're willing to play catch with them and feed them some food. Humans, however, would like to feel like their pets are somehow like them. People are constantly searching for their own image in animals. If that means visiting the wig master who will deck the dog out in custom fittings, so be it.

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Hire Your Very Own Midget!

There's a fine line between empowerment and exploitation and Hire Little People straddles that line. The whole premise, of course, is "Hey, it's Little People! Just put them in a costume and everything's going to be a riot!" Here's what the company has to say.

Let's face it, everyone loves Little People. So why not hire one for your next private party or special event? Are you looking for a new way to promote your company or product? Our Little People will gladly promote your company and/or products at trade shows, conferences, special events, night clubs, bars, or any other place you would normally advertise.

:: HIRE A MIDGET :: Got midgets? Hire a midget for Marketing, Promotions, Special Events, or Private Parties

Now, every so often, there's a person who frequents this blog who likes to fire off an email telling me they are outraged — outraged — by the material I post. No doubt, there's probably a person very offended right this minute who doesn't think it's right that companies "use" Little People to market a product. Such a person ought to get her head out of the sand.

You see, the founder of Hire Little People is, himself, a Little Person and he is making use of his short stature to not only find himself a job but allow other Little People to find opportunities as well. That other folks with larger statures find Little People cute or cuddly is a different issue entirely. The fact remains this world is truly dog-eat-dog and you have to make use with what you have.

So I applaud Mike Buchmann, the creator of this endeavour. If your height puts food on the table, then go for it. Afterall, isn't it hypocritical that certain folks would preclude Little People from promotional events but turn on an NBA game and witness a game played wholesale by giants?

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