Commercial Features Violent Lesbians with a Hunger for Apple Sauce

Yeah, this is one of those rare occasions where I'm forced to say, "I didn't see that one coming." For almost a minute there, we do nothing but watch flirtatious lesbians in their underwear. Who knew what darkness lurked in these ladies hearts?

I've now learned the dangers of mentioning "apple sauce" to lesbians. Believe me, you will want to avoid anything related to apple sauce if you are in the presence of lesbians — especially if they are making out with each other in their underwear. Don't say I didn't warn you.

With that in mind, I wonder if any of you want to make yourselves over to Mac's after watching this commercial.

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Strange Commercial for Afri-Cola

Germans have a way of making even cola a metaphysical subject. Apparently, this commercial from the 60s helped Afri-Cola regain its influence on the German market. The slogan? "Everything is in Afri-Cola". It's like a promise of a mystic entry into an etherness.

And maybe they are right insofar as the caffeine is concerned. There's 250mg/L in the recipe. Every time they try to lower the content, they lose marketshare — so it looks like they survive by because they've got their customers hooked. Apparently, the company the imports this cola to the United States advertises it as "the highest allowable caffeine content by law".

While everything may not be in Afri-Cola, I would imagine one would feel this way after drinking a bottle. Caffeine can be an ugly bastard. Just ask the miserable fellow who is shaking at 1am and cannot sleep a wink.

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"This is Beach": A Hilarious Japanese Commercial

Well, I'm pumped. I just blasted my fist in the air, I'm so excited about Okinawa. This commercial is the height of what makes Japan so stupendously great. Behold the Engrish, the heavy metal riffage, the skinny lad pointing at his pecs. The amazing thing about this is that all this coolness is encapsulated into a mere 15 seconds. That's fifteen seconds of "wave", "fish", "hip", and "beach" — ending with one intense pelvic thrust.

The closest thing I can compare this to is the Team America: World Police anthem. The difference, of course, is that this commercial is a lot more brief — and therefore more witty. Hence, this only proves that whatever America can create, Japan can streamline and saturate it with pure Nippon ernergy. This, my friends, is why I intend to travel to Japan one of these days.

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An Alka Seltzer Commercial Featuring Salvador Dali

Whatever you think of Salvador Dali, there is no doubt that he was a clever marketer. Still, I never would have imagined he would have appeared in something as mundane as an Alka Seltzer commercial. Perhaps this was why he appeared in it. He successfully made the effects of Alka Seltzer come alive. He almost makes it into a work of art.

A few things I observe here is the frenetic pace of Dali's narration, how he makes the beautiful woman almost unnoticeable, and how he presents himself as "otherworldly" — this despite the commercial being about Alka Seltzer. You have to have a keen understanding of how the human imagination works in order to do that. This, at the least, is where Dali excelled at his art. Forget, for a moment, what you think of his art. He still knows where your eye is going to gravitate and what will intrigue you.

For good reason, then, he does a good job making me think about the effects of Alka Seltzer.

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Swedish Self-Cleaning Toilet

Jasmine, one of my MySpace friends, has forwarded me along to this great commercial. There's something about a cocaine-sniffing model whose day is ruined by a self-cleaning toilet that really makes me laugh out loud. Admit it, you like the fact this pretty lady was denied the satisfaction of some white lines.

Thanks Jasmine for the heads up.

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The Inner City Ghetto Boys Vs. The Euro-Disco Dutch Fellows

Hilarious. The gap-toothed smiles and bobbing heads are pure comedy gold. And then there is the question of what happens to these characters after the commercial ends.

After babelfishing Delta Lloyd, I think this commercial either has something to do with banking or insurance. I'm really not sure how the commercial's odd juxtaposition has anything to do with banking or insurance, but I don't care.

It's funny.

Kanahakkliha: Awful Estonian Meat Commercial

I once worked in a chicken slaughterhouse. That was a memorable experience. If anything else, it made me enjoy the taste of chicken more because if there is any animal that deserves to die, it's the chicken. Those damn birds the smelliest, most obnoxious bird ever invented.

Funny enough, experiences like mine often turn people into vegans. It did the opposite to me. However, after viewing this Estonian meat commercial, my stomach turned. It made me want to forsake the cause of meat altogether. In short, they've been done what PETA has been trying to do to me for years: hate meat.

I don't know what's scariest. The off-colour meat looks rank. The background music is eerie. As well, it looks like the women chowing down on the meat are enjoying it a little too much.

I think what ultimate sells me on the "meat is evil" argument is the voiceover repeating again and again "KANA! KANA! KANA! HAKKLIHA!" I don't speak Estonian, but I have a feeling it means, "Our meat has been to places no man should attempt to see. Please ingest wisely."

Oh well. I'm having steak tomorrow.

Cock O' The Walk

Today, this commercial would be considered in bad taste, but I do not doubt its effectiveness when it was first developed.

It features two fat identical twins dancing and a glum nerd eating peaches. The kicker is that the name of the product is "Cock O' The Walk". That guy seems to really enjoy the co... erm, I'm peaches.